This is Part 1 of what necessarily needs to be a multi-mulit-multi-part exploration of the anatomy and acheivement of different types of orgasms. This post focuses on clitoral orgasms for vagina-owners and vagina-lovers: what arousal looks like, tips getting your or your partner’s pussy ready for clitoral stimulation, and what clitoral orgasms might feel like to you/your partner and why they feel that way. Sources for the information are at the bottom of the post. All vaginas are different and I’ve tried to err on the side of “safe” when describing arousal and clitoral stimulation, so your chosen vagina might like more or less pressure, mechanical stimulation, something else fun and special and that is totally O.K. and normal. Having trouble having an orgasm is also very very normal and under no circumstances should anyone ever say that “this WILL make someone come” because that would put terrible pressure on you/your partner and that is not what we want. We want to become enlightened about pussies!
I don’t want to say that I’ve had a clitoris for my “whole life” necessarily because I am about to talk about how sex organs develop in a fetus and I don’t want do get into when-does-“life”-begin territory. So instead: I am a clitoris-owner–have been for a long time–and I just learned that the clit isn’t just the little hard bulb that may or may not peek out when a woman is aroused. Actually, that little head is just the tip of this way bigger thing that goes underneath the inner labia! Look at this diagram– the dark pink parts are all clitoris-material!
See the darker lines that trace down over the ‘glans clitoris’ and end together at the bottom? That’s the clitoral hood and the vaginal opening.
…Doesn’t it kind of look like a flying penis? The dark pink part. Like a little penis with big wings flapping on a downward-flap like a drawing of a bird on those beach scenes you drew in 6th grade? I was hoping you would notice because guess what: a penis develops in utero from the clitoris. Penises are sensitive all over the place but especially on the tip and guess what again: a clitoris is the same way. When a developing fetus becomes male, the outer labia on a vagina stick together to make a ball sack. That is why there is a seam on the scrotum if you’ve ever been in a position to notice that seam. Developing humans are pretty economical, guys!
Just like the penises they sometimes engender, clitorises get erections when they want some sex: they might poke out and look like a little nub from under the hood, they might feel very firm to the touch underneath the hood, or they might stick out a long way. All three are normal. Other physiological signs of vagina-arousal include blood-filled pumped-up labia that have changed color (any color is a normal color!) and increased wetness (wetness varies from person to person and from day to day, though, so while “this is definitely wet” is aroused, “not immediately apparent wet” isn’t necessarily a sign of not-aroused). If you are interested pleasing a chosen pussy, whether it be your own or someone else’s, do not–I REPEAT– do not stick ANYTHING straight on the tip of that clit we have talked about this before if you do not you observe some of these other physical signs unless you are very, very sure that this particular clit will like it. If you are a good scientist and your “Is the Pussy Aroused Enough for Orgasm?” data seems incomplete, you can do some things to ensure that you are on the right track to helping the pussy experience a clitoral orgasm.
SO many parts of the body that are not the clitoris feel nice to be touched and will arouse sexy feelings in the clitoris by proxy. Whether you are dealing with your own or someone else’s, good places to start are body-touches that could be near the zone of the clitoris. A thigh-or boob-squeeze, some nice petting and/or cuddling, some kissing. Maybe some neck stuff! Maybe some knee-stuff! Even if you are in a partner-sex situation and sex has already been happening in other ways, the receiver of clitoris-pleasure needs to be relaxed/safe/happy-feeling, so take your time. When you’re ready to move to the vagina area of the body, start by petting or kissing the inner thighs and labia, and then use your tongue/fingers/vibrator/whatever and maybe try going between the inner and outer labia–closer to those legs of the clitoris!–and touching the vaginal opening. Another thing to avoid doing unless you know your chosen pussy likes it is to just jab something into that vagina-opening. If you are going to do that, go slowly. If the vagina doesn’t seem that wet, wisely use some lube, making sure that it is not cold. You’ll want the clitoris to be wet when you touch it, anyway.
Moving onto the clit, start by feeling on top of the hood or on the sides for hardness. Press down. Listen to the noises your partner is making/ask so you know what feels good! If you are by yourself/ the pussy-owner, think about whether something feels good for you or you just “think it should” and get rid of the “shoulds”. You can play with the clit with that skin on the hood/around it as a barrier if it’s is too sensitive to touch directly.
Different pussies like different touching, so talk and listen and make noises and pay attention! Some people like a lot of pressure, or a little. Some people like fast vibration-feeling sensation and some prefer slow, more pulse-like movements. Every clit will like wet. On average it takes 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have a clitoral orgasm, but it’s definitely different for different people/times so don’t try to put a time limit on yourself/partner and don’t feel bad if it’s taking a long time. Since we’re just talking about clitoral orgasms I’m not going into the fingers/penis/implement inside the pussy thing at all because I don’t want any confusion with g-spot stimulation (which works for some and not others in varying degrees) but your chosen pussy might like something inside of it even if most of the action is on the clit and outside the body.
You can try a ton of things at the beginning, but once you find something that is really really feeling good for your chosen pussy stick with it and keep doing the same thing. When climax is near the clit does not want anything new!! It wants that exact same thing that is making it feel so close to orgasm.
Orgasm Time!! Orgasms are the result of a ton of tension leaving the body at once. Kegel exercises help orgasms be felt more strongly because the stronger the muscles around the vagina, the more tense they can clench and the more dramatic their release. Clitoral orgasms feel different at different times: sometimes they can feel like just a little zing and/or warmth in the clitoris/vagina-opening area (think of the legs!) and sometimes they feel like a big spreading of zinging and/or warmth that spreads to the upper thighs/chest/other parts of the body. Sometimes the orgasm is so strong that the muscles twitch all over the place–this is the pudendal nerve’s fault!–and in these cases whatever is doing the move that is making the orgasm needs to keep moving in the same way even if there is a lot of thrashing around because in this case there are a ton of zings all around the body to uncover and you don’t want to short-change the zings!
Some clitoral orgasms can move up and do the fireworks-in-the-eyes thing, but the big, showy ones probably won’t happen every time. Some will last one second and some will last 10-15 seconds. People are capable of many types, and so it doesn’t help for anyone to have one type of orgasm in mind! Any orgasm-experience, almost orgasm-experience and intimate experience in general is worth appreciating just the way it is. The easiest way to kill an orgasm is for anyone– the pussy-owner alone, the pussy-owner receiving pleasure or the pleasure-giver, to make an orgasm or specific type of orgasm a “goal” of a particular act: talk about not relaxing and enjoying oneself.
WHEW! We all need a rest after that. If there is anything I should have put in but didn’t/if you have an experience that contradicts something I said here, I want to know! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment.
NOTE: SO many cunnilingus/fingering instructions online, especially those on websites meant for male consumption, are just plain terrible advice. Read something by a vagina-owner and/or for women pleasing women if you are browsing the internet on this topic.
ALSO: I tried to find a good how-to cunnilingus/fingering tutorial video (either one) for this post/future posts and just couldn’t find one that seemed satisfactory. I’ll keep looking, but let me know if you know of one.
Cage, Diana (2012). Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman’s Guide. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press.
Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2012, May, 15). Orgasms for Everybody! [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from http://www.nerdist.com/2012/05/sex-nerd-sandra-41-orgasms-for-everybody/
Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2011, November, 2). Stress Relief _[Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from http://www.nerdist.com/2011/11/sex-nerd-sandra-14-stress-relief/